The City of New York is full of parks – in fact, there are 1700! We have enormous parks (Central, Prospect, Flushing) and medium-sized offerings (Bryant, Madison Square), plus there are little pocket parks everywhere like Stuyvesant and Washington Market. And now, today, the borough I love opened what may be its most forward-thinking park space – it’s called the High Line.

Many years ago, High Line was the name for an elevated freight railroad that traversed the meatpacking district on the west side of lower Manhattan that has no more remnants of packing meat. It’s all Prada and Varvados and fancy-shmancy restaurants! Abandoned for nearly 80 years, all of a sudden a citizens group, with – GASP, imagine – help City Government got the High Line “renewal” funded and a huge construction project began in 2004. The first phase opened today.

This, lovers of all things trend, should be the wave of the future in these infrastructure-messy recession era. Although the High Line is a major urban renewal effort, the park’s construction is emblematic of a core value that I hope will stick around once Wall Street bulls come out of hiding: We should reuse resources to create value for our audience and our customers. Here, a town with many (other) problems turned an eyesore into what New Yorkers value most – a public space that cost us nothing out of pocket.

Seeking a trend? In the future, and right now, people resent the cheap, they want true value–and not the hardware chain! We want to feel part of something amazing. We wish to be inspired. People want to be provided with a sense they are valued. Consumers want a service - or a product - provided out of care.

A little over 80 years ago, the High Line was filled with trains that brough cattle to the Meatpacking District. Today, lo and behold, it is bringing New Yorkers what they love most: another reason to brag about New York. All it took was some effort.

I’m proud. Come see us high up.

****Twittering at www.twitter.com/laermer. A lot.

Despite the Chicken Little essence of the news lately, reports of the death of the newspaper industry have been greatly exaggerated. In fact, the industry will see a stunning Renaissance. To understand what is happening now and what will be happening over the next few years, we need look objectively at history and current state of journalism.

Not long ago, newspapers were comprised of facts, and only facts. When Hearst and Pulitzer had their squabbles during the gilded age, so-called yellow journalism sold copies and became part of the news landscape. But it was still regarded as not quite reporting. In the middle of the 20th century, the big blue tube became a primary source of local news and when Americans finally took the on-ramp of the info superhighway, newspapers put content online without any thought as to the impact this would have on the print business, which had always been dependent on classified and local ads (and sometimes subscriptions).

At that time, news organizations moved from reporting facts to proffering opinions, and reporters have since become mostly another batch of celebrities. Since TV news came aboard, we’ve had “branded journalists” such as Murrow, Cronkite, Rather, Philips (yes, Philips), and Amanpour—but these folks earned their stripes in the trenches, often at war or worse, during domestic squabbles.

Newspapers have no such celebrity types—except in a random Jimmy Breslin or Ellen Goodman—and partnering with TV stations or networks might lend additional credibility to TV news, but it doesn’t impact papers’ bottom lines.

So from whence will the Newspaper Renaissance hail? It will start with papers reexamining their core business—a process now painfully underway. The answer does not lie in federal bailouts of media companies, but rather in understanding that the modern newspaper grew up at a time when the economics of providing news favored local market scale economies of printing and distribution, as well as monopolies on local classified ads. Today, online advertising has crushed the dailies’ revenue to the point where they can no longer afford to pay for paper and newsrooms (most with a $1 million payroll paid out) while still earning anything resembling a profit.

The answer for newspapers will not come from the hallowed halls of Wharton or Kellogg. It will come from within. Newspapers must embrace what made them great: content. When consumers find useful content that makes their lives easier and more convenient, they will pay. Rather than focus solely on how content is delivered, newspapers need to turn focus to what is being delivered as well, and when they do, dollars will follow.

Some have pointed fingers at conglomerates for the downfall of the American newspaper and yet neither Gannett nor McClatchy is to blame. Newspapers have had owners since day one and those owners have used their papers to support businesses. Editorial has been ultimately influenced by advertising. Now, with online distribution having usurped classified ads and more of the local-market advertising dollars, papers have an opportunity to showcase a diversity of voices and opinions without any fear of losing dollars from advertising. The daily provider of knowledge can instead focus on reporting from different perspectives, which creates valuable content, which in turn creates subscription dollars.

The argument has also surfaced that online news outlets will be the downfall of newspapers. Technology provides tools—devices, gadgets, software—to deliver content and here is where newspapers shine. Also, the daily bugler still provides a level of credibility that no so-termed disintermediated news outlet will achieve. Journalists aren’t licensed, but we trust that the structure of a print news organization is a place where are checked and stories investigated, which, most of the time, they are.

During this time when Pulitzers are handed out for as diverse reporting as “Client 9” revelations and hurricane victim photos, this does not mean people will look to these veteran bringers-of-news and pay for local weather, traffic, City Council reports or bulletins from our White House. These are freely available and that won’t change.

So what will people pay for? Foremost, they will pay for content that makes them money – particularly in an unending haywire economy. Consider a used car salesman who is worried about losing his job because he’s sold two cars in the last three weeks. His local newspaper does an in depth analysis of regional consumer spending habits and triggers for purchases that include cars. Our woeful salesman will no doubt pay for this content because armed with these impressive details he sells more cars, therefore securing his livelihood.

What about the single mom loving the Wednesday columnist who offers practical money and time-saving tips? Of course she’ll pay, especially if the content is wrapped in a tool that makes life easier for her—perhaps a coupon that shows up on her mobile phone she can use while picking up dinner supplies on her way home from work.

This is a fundamental shift for newspapers that have traditionally focused on a top-down approach to content for far too long, with publishers and advertisers partying at the top and consumers taking whatever comes trickling down (even if superb). Now power rests with the people for a change, and newspapers will finally embrace the opportunity to deliver content free from the constraints of a business model primarily reliant on local advertisers. Yes, it’s that simple.

I say, let’s hope the newspapers change the way they think about content. Bring on the Renaissance!

Twitter www.Twitter.com/laermer

I would never run for office but there are some good people who get sucked into it. This is a story about a friend of mine who tried to help his local citizenry. His name is Jeff Perlman and he was twice elected Mayor of Delray Beach, Florida — where an election takes place this month that he will be far away from — and he taught me one thing about politics that we should remember as we sit judging the elected officials we chose.

You know this already: Politics is not a good place for a good human being to hang out.

We are going to have a lot of trouble getting young people to want to be our leaders. Notably after any of them read this story.

I spent time with Jeff Perlman (my firm, RLM PR, helped him through one of 25 crises while he was Mayor; he was the only client who ever handled a crisis with good cheer and constant reassessment and skill…but got the bad end of every stick) while people gave this hard-working man of the people a tough time for everything but wearing jeans. He was a part-time Mayor and skilled in PR; he got paid about $20,000 a year for his work as Mayor (Delray is a very small city) and was stopped by the people for taking any part-time jobs “on the side.”

He and his family just about got by on his wife’s salary. Yet when he tried to do some consulting at a local media relations firm, the towns folks went into a tizzy, calling it a conflict of interest. This little firm had no government clients — not even close — and yet he had to leave it because the voters, who had no hobbies, refused to allow it.

The former Mayor explains how Delray citizens demanded to know his clients at all times: “I got sued for accepting a contract to publish a monthly newsletter for the school district, a job which netted less than $20k for a year’s work. The suit, filed by a political rival’s millionaire wife, cost me in excess of $20,000 to have thrown out, only to have it re-filed within hours of a deadline costing me another $10,000.” Perlman settled the second suit because defending himself again would have cost him between $25,000 and $30,000.

In its coverage of a town where the news people also have too much free time, the Palm Beach Post placed the first suit on the front page above the fold and above an item announcing that Al Qaeda had developed a nerve weapon.

When Perlman bid on a PR contract with the South Florida Water Management District (keeping in mind that other part-time elected officials do work for other governmental agencies), the Post wrote several stories costing him the contract even though he was actually he lowest bidder, was amply qualified, and executives were pleased with his work.

Says Perlman: “After a lawsuit and dozens of negative stories in the media, I no longer pursued any public work.” He feared an ulcer.

Here’s what Perlman’s public life was like:

February 2005: A young black man, Jerrod Miller, is shot and killed by an off-duty Delray Beach police officer. Story after story runs about how Delray is “split along racial lines…” But this is news to people who live there. The local press blames the Mayor, who has won all his elections by landslides, works tirelessly, and helps everyone get along and get what they need in Delray Beach.

May 2005: Jerrod Miller’s family files suit against the City of Delray Beach.

August 2005: The police officer who killed Miller is cleared of criminal wrongdoing in by a Grand Jury. The Mayor is taken to task for not holding enough meetings with the local NAACP. But the national NAACP doesn’t think this is an issue. Mayor Jeff has been doing whatever he can to heal the City; no one credits him with anything!

October 2005: Hurricane Wilma knocks out power to the whole city. Florida Power and Light (FPL) takes more than a month to turn it back on. Somehow, the Mayor is caught up in this, and he is powerless to do anything to stop the bad press — or FPL. “I simply didn’t sleep much. I spent hours driving neighborhoods, delivering ice and working with FPL to and state authorities to get real help.”

November 2005: Hurricane Wilma had ripped roofs off at Carver Estates (public housing), and the City decides to tear it down and rebuild, for which the Mayor is vilified. Prior to Wilma, the buildings were declared dangerous due to 40 years of federal and local neglect that the Mayor inherited. “We made it a priority and worked feverishly to relocate every single family to safer homes. Moving expenses were paid, and hefty stipends were secured, which enabled everyone displaced by the storm to find better homes.” The media went wild.

March 2006: Police chase…and eventually catch…a burglar in Perlman’s backyard. “This was an 18 hour manhunt for a criminal who was skilled at home invasions. Helicopters, K-9s and heat seeking radar were used before they fished him out of bushes in my canal.” You cannot make this up.

March 2006: Delray — under Perlman’s leadership — places a moratorium on building McMansions, which upsets those who don’t give a rat’s tush about historic preservation or conservation. One of several historic preservation-related scandals over the years and of course Mayor Perlman is caught up in it.

August 2006: Commissioner and former Vice Mayor Jon Levinson speaks (too) frankly and Perlman is forced to make a statement saying he doesn’t endorse Levinson’s actions. “Levinson went off in a goal setting session, pointing out the City Manager David Harden was mismanaging bond issue projects and failing to follow commission directions. While Jon’s remarks were far from diplomatic…he was 100% right.

The headline in the Post said we questioned the ‘work ethic’ of city workers. Not true. In fact, we praised City workers for their hurricane response but we had the temerity to challenge the manager who was indeed failing to complete projects or follow clear policy directions because of general incompetence. We criticized him. I did tactfully. Jon, not so tactfully.”

The Post writes an editorial that “Harden is Not the Problem” and credits the Manager for healing the city during the recent racial unrest. But the Mayor tells me: “Not quite. He was AWOL the whole time.”

August/September 2006: Because the city has a minimized budget, it is not able to pay firemen and paramedics well, so there are now 16 vacancies at one point, and the townspeople are in an uproar. Also, smoking is banned on City beaches. For once the press loves something — but smokers hate the Mayor and protest vehemently (and publicly).

December 2006: Two streets get converted from one-way to two-way, which required some closures and merchants were livid. Just guess who was blamed?

December 2006: Delray allows a developer to build town homes on the site of a monastery. Later (in February), Palm Beach Diocese backs out of deal to sell a house to eight elderly nuns, and blames the city of Delray Beach.

December 2006: Delray (and Boynton Beach) had been dumping their sewage into the ocean for four decades. But, when the permit comes up for renewal, some say it was Perlman’s fault that it was being dumped into the ocean to begin with! Perlman actually headed the group that decided to end the practice and had begun a major water re-use program. Press ignore this basic fact, even though when the story broke the City had cut emissions by 40 percent and were well on the way to 100 percent as soon as construction was complete on new pipes.

January 2007: Office Depot, among the biggest corporate businesses in town, leaves Delray and Perlman is blamed, but well used to this, he sets about resuscitating the Office Depot site and is successful.

March/April 2007: A spanking budget disaster now overshadows all Perlman’s good work: “An email to a lame duck City Commission notified them that the city had to borrow about $40.5 million if certain improvement projects were ever to get off the ground. Mayor Jeff Perlman never saw the email before the meeting.” (Palm Beach Post).

Perlman tells me: “The City Manager [Harden] never told us about the problem and in fact insisted we were fine, stating that there was no need for new borrowing. It turns out we did not need $41 million, a task force knocked the number down to $27 million and that included millions of new goodies sought by the manager including a new city environmental services building, a new fire station, a new IT building and an expansion of City Hall. Not funded: What the voters asked and paid for: a new senior center. The FBI launches an investigation into the bond issue.”

He did not run for reelection that year even though he was granted a 72 percent approval rating when he left office. You can pretty much see why.

July 2007, from the Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel: “Over the weekend, former Mayor Jeff Perlman denied trying to pressure the City Commission to fire City Manager David Harden. But on Monday, an email was leaked that he had sent to most of the commissioners chastising Harden and [new] Mayor Rita Ellis. The July 17 e-mail was sent in reaction to a Sun-Sentinel article that disclosed public comments were being edited out of City Commission meetings that are posted on the city’s Web site. The removal was ordered by Harden.” Perlman responded, and the Sun-Sentinel followed up with an editorial saying he should not in fact exercise his first amendment right to express an opinion.

September 2007: City settles with Jerrod Miller’s family for $1 million; the suit, says the local press “blamed then-Mayor Perlman, city commissioners and other city officials for embracing policies that it says led to Miller’s death.”

And now it turns out that there was illegal managing of city funds (so typical now) going on behind the scenes. Indictments are handed down. Perlman is not even a footnote in any of it. Political power broker and long time County Commissioner Mary McCarty and her husband Kevin are heading to jail. 18-year veteran Harden is implicated in a corruption scheme that is like a Hollywood tale with a severely bad rewrite.

Mary McCarty, who seemed so business-like and austere when I met her, certainly played her part well. She was charged with conspiracy and mail fraud, stemming from her alleged failure to give her constituents honest services after voting on several bond issues that directly benefited her husband Kevin’s employers, including, yep, Bear Stearns. The McCartys allegedly received about $300,000 as a result of the votes. McCarthy also allegedly failed to disclose hotel stays provided by one of the county’s vendors.

A committee examination of how Harden’s decisions as Manager led to McCarty Mania should have been completed by now. Naturally, it’s going to come down after Tuesday’s big election, where the mayorality and other public offices are up for grabs.

Who was the scapegoat in Delray Beach? Jeff Perlman proves my thesis: Why on earth would anyone run for office and spend low-paid days and nights handling the “mishegos” of people who make you feel less than adequate no matter how hard you work? This is one man’s story, but it is certainly not as big an anomaly as you think.

It’s just the best one I know.

During the last mercurial business cycle, I sneakily asked super successful types such as Mark Cuban (Mavericks dancer), Peter Guber (Guber), David Brancaccio (NOW man on PBS), Bob Davis (Speedy Lycos dude), and Gerald Storch (Toys “R” Us head) what killed businesses. If we can all live without these booboos, these next years will make us rock stars.

1. Stagnation. You’ve got to evolve or die. Change with the times only if you want to stay ahead of your competition. Imagine you’re okay, and surely you are asleep.

2. Lack of planning. Find your niche, craft a plan, and then stick with it each day. Use it like a manifesto—because that’s what it should be. It’s easy for small business owners to get distracted and lose focus on what they do best. If your plan isn’t gosh-darn-it working, tweak immediately.

3. Turning off loyal customers. Too many businesses focus on bringing in new customers and ignore their loyal customers. Since 20 percent of customers are responsible for 80 percent of business, simple math says that it’s a lot easier to keep old customers happy than to find new ones. If your customers adore you, they’ll tell everyone anyway—because they’re not used to such consistency.

4. Thinking you know it all. If you’re not thumbing through business magazines on a regular basis, checking out industry blogs and other know-it-alls who truly are influential, (and often in their pajamas), and staying informed about the world, you’ll be left behind, sadly.

5. Not keeping up with your customers. Follow trends in the media, pay attention to what businesses down the street are doing, and be a noncliché spotter of trends so that you don’t become obsolete or, worse, stale. Ask customers what’s working, what’s not, and why. Do it without any cynicism or thin-skinned defensiveness! What’s that? It means just take the criticism.

6. Staying quiet. Get the word out about who you are and what you offer—and don’t worry about giving away the “company secrets.” People should know what you’re doing. Don’t be self-important. Leverage marketing, Internet, and the freaking Yellow Pages, and use that ole PR for exposure: maximum style.

7. Having a tepid message. Think about how you want customers to feel and what you want them to do with that feeling. Then craft memorable messages—through the Web site, ads, newsletters (with real content), and face to face—messages that are bent on surprising them and making them go “woo!”

8. Being inconsistent. If you act like an asshole in public, it’s probably best to give the customers what they want. If you’re a sweetheart, show that side all the time. Businesses are about people — but only the ones who pay to see the fake you. That’s why whenever he’s on the street, the French maître d’ always says, “Sorry, bub. The accent’s only for paying customers.” Us.

9. Neglecting WTF. Sometimes you do have to throw away regular old wisdom slammed down on from on high. In the face of all business odds, the bets are off — ’cause who knows what you’re capable of but you? Go with your gut. Ask my friend who owns an ice cream parlor in an off-the-beaten-path neighborhood in Queens. One day he decided that he just had to say what the fuck and started hawking his odd-duck flavors to hifalutin shops in major snob cities, even though the competition is a killer. Guess what? He persisted in the face of odds that would kill the normal corporate shnook, and he’s on his way to becoming
an icy mogul.

10. Worrying about what people think—as if they really pay attention
to you. The biggest successes are those who enjoy being laughed at all the time. I’m the one who said that, yup.

For more like this just go and get a copy of 2011: Trendspotting.

Today we have all kinds of interesting things for your enjoyment. First up: three ways to improve corporate America.

1. Stop with the private jets, already. In the depths of this recession, no one has any money. People can’t pay for gas, let alone their mortgages. This doesn’t stop a story about the ultimate in opulence – a corporate jet – from popping up in the paper every few days. Note to corporate honchos: every time a consumer hears about you wastefully cavorting to Paris and back in your Lear Jet, they hate you – and your product – a little more. And yes I know, the jets are a business too. Tough. They will come back in their own sweet time!

   Advice: Take the fricking city bus for a few days. Sit next to the guy who smells funny, and reevaluate the half-mil you dropped on jet fuel last weekend for your trip to Nice.

2. Stop being wussy. Businesses are scared, because in the economic climate no one knows what to do. One thing is for sure – very few businesses are trying anything new to see where it goes, when they almost certainly ought to be.

   NBC is a perfect example of this. At the start of the latest television season, Tina Fey was probably the most popular person in America. She was everywhere, even popping up on the cover of Vanity Fair.

   Yet, despite Tina’s popularity and no less than NINE Emmy wins, no one watches her show – 30 Rock. I mean, no one but us. Sorry Tina.

   NBC could fix this in a heartbeat by thinking outside the box a little bit. Change the name of the show to “The Tina Fey Show” and watch the viewers pour in! Stop being scared of the obvious is our advice “30 Rock” is a cute inside joke for those of us who live in New York and walk by the ancient faux art deco building twice a week –GE Is In The House—but to Jane and Joe the Plumber (cough), it’s just a dumb name that doesn’t mean anything! And besides, it’s got to be worth more than 30 rocks by now! — Right?



3. Finally, stop pretending that everyone is stupid. You’re really in trouble when you start giving stuff away with phoney “Come celebrate with us” taglines. Don’t you think we in the blogosphere really know you’re full of crap as you hit us with offers like “It’s our anniversary and the gift is for you!”
   Really?

   You think I care it’s your anything. No. The consumer wants something that is actually his - and is derived of references to your sorry ass. And if you think this last piece of advice was crass, well, I got to say: Happy Birthday Richard!

In celebrity news, tape emerged this week of Christian Bale going ballistic on someone while filming the fourth Terminator flick.

Christian, your screaming voice is almost as absurd as your over-the-top Batman tones. I loved you as little Jamie in “Empire of the Sun,” really I did, it was the first “video” I ever bought, and you’ve done a quite remarkable job making me forget Val Kilmer as the Dark Knight. Your bona fides speak for themselves at this point. After your latest outburst, though, I wonder why you think you need to do stupid things like this for PR purposes.

Why does Fox, I should add? Is it because A—h—nold is nowhere to be seen and shall we say, they’re AFRAID?

Take it from me, viewers – as a 95 year veteran (?) of the public relations game, I can assure you that this whole act was a PR stunt.

And yeah, it worked. It got Bale’s name in the papers as the Oscar voters are in the midst of marking their ballots (hopefully for Heath Ledger), but it also served to brand Bale as a total ass. And it isn’t working.

Next time, buddy, choose something a little more mainstream. Crash your Ferrari into a tree. Get photographed smoking weed. (Nice, Phelps.) Better yet, bud – hire a killer PR firm.

In even sillier Hollywood news, Paul Blart: Mall Cop inexplicably led the box office for two weeks, raking in 26 million dollars, beating out instant Eastwood classic Gran Turino.

We tried to come up with the reasons why Kevin James’ Paul Blart is a hit, but frankly we couldn’t find any that were plausible… so we made some up.

10. Slumdog Millionaire sounds too much like a porno.

9. Twenty-somethings don’t remember Police Academy

8. Wasting twelve bucks is better than killing yourself.

7. People love fat cops

6. Stupid is as stupid does

5. Everyone sees him and thinks “Wow, The Richard Simmons Diet really doesn’t work”

4. It’s easy to laugh at a rentacop because, well, come on!

3. Kevin James is SUCH a made-up name that it makes you laugh

2. The King of Queens has jurisdiction over dumb-asses.

and the number one reason why Americans love Paul Blart, from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska (sorry Dave):

1. Just say “BLART.” It is fun! BLART BLART BLART BLART.

Watch out, David Cook, there’s a new Idol in town!

Here’s a secret that everyone knows, but no one ever talks about: American Idol sucks, and it always has.

Rarely can the contestants sing (save Jennifer Hudson and a few others), so often the only reason to watch is to see how drunk Paula is this week. Further, the concept itself is really silly.

I mean, why are people who generally can’t sing, but are willing and happy to be exploited by a media conglomerate supposed to be adopted by Americans as quote-unquote idols?

I propose something new: Let’s choose a real American Idol. Someone who means something. Someone who stands for something. Someone who can’t dance!

That’s right: the new American Idol is President Obama!

Think about it: He’s attractive, he’s smart, he can bowl… er… maybe not. Anyway, President O is the very emblem of what the next decade should be about: SUBSTANCE! Let’s all get behind the guy and see if he can’t lead us out of the last ten years of superficial mediocrity.

In this week’s “Orwellian Update,” news comes this week that bank and credit card issuer American Express has been monitoring where its cardholders use their cards, and in some cases lowering credit limits and even canceling accounts based on the repayment patterns of other cardholders that shop at certain establishments.

Of course, AMEX now denies that a blacklist of establishments ever existed, despite documented cases where they *told* people they were reducing credit limits because of where they shopped.

Hey, AMEX – you’re the ones who screwed up here! Why did you give credit cards to people with questionable credit histories to start with? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that giving a five-thousand dollar line of credit to a person who makes twenty-five grand a year is a bad idea.

We do wonder, though – what are some of the “flagged” stores?

Big box retailers? Nah.
Bookstores? Probably not.
Bars? Maybe.
Houses-of-ill repute?

Wait… they take credit cards? Which ones? Where?

I mean… AMEX – we are watching you. You claim to be a bank, but we suspect you may actually be a floor wax.

Mr. Phelps, should you accept this job…. As the saying went in Mission Impossible…you better be up to it. That’s my take, at least, on the TOKING by Michael Phelps.

I wrote about it in USA Today this week and got a lot of people upset because I said he needs to PAY for what he did – and I’m saying this from a PR person’s prospective, period. (Another set of Ps.)

I’m NOT Michael Phelps (I can’t even swim), but I do have experience working with the notorious who often make fools of themselves at our expense, often with impunity. And now after Kelloggs dropped him and the USA Swim Team turned him away Phelps has learned — the hard way — that being famous means being memorable. If you are idolized, then your character is admired. If your character goes bad, then you are simply fodder for late-night comics.

It’s bad timing for the swimming Olympian. Today, more than anytime I can remember, we need heroes to make ourselves feel good. It is that freaking simple.

Maybe what Phelps did last fall was comical to some, pulling on a bong while wearing a backwards baseball cap, but I doubt parents thought so. I know a lot of parents and it’s difficult enough to get them to like someone – now they have to say “Well swim like him but don’t act like him.” I also know kids and they got few role models, and this one, with tens of millions of fans, should have known better than to waltz into anyone’s house and start recreating that way.

Sports figures in YouTube America act like they’re impenetrable, as if they can do what they want and after the “mea culpa” all will be forgiven. Like rock stars have always done. But being a real champion means that people regard you as superhuman.
How does the nation come down from this lasting impression? And, more important, what about a kid who now thinks that drugs are cool after all?

I have spent years in PR telling self-important types who think they’re hot shit to remember what that eye means: You are always being watched. It’s the price of fame. I’m really surprised Phelps’ handlers didn’t do a “Scared Straight” tour for him of the famous through the years caught with their proverbial pants down.

Maybe there were too many of them to prove the point and it might make him reconsider going forward.

I say basta, suficiente. If sports celebrities can’t take their statuses seriously, then they should be treated like any offender. If the facts are concrete and evidence is clear, young Michael Phelps should, just like Mike Tyson and Michael Vick and O.J. Simpson (yes, O.J.), be prosecuted to the fullest. Why not? You and I would if our picture was in the London tabloid doing what the Times calls a marijuana pipe hit. (Ho boy.)

I am not some fuddy-duddy acting prudish. I actually think pot is pretty fine. I just know that as a PR professional I can’t stop shaking my head, thinking about Americans struggling to make ends meet and what they must think of a young multimillionaire like Phelps who can throw it all away with one toke.

Oh and thanks porn star Ron Jeremy with the huge shlong and gross face for calling me out on the little pages of USA Today’s fabulous Op Ed page. I agree. He’s not a rapist nor a killer. But he is an icon. And they fall real hard.

Hard. Hmm.
For more on sports stars, see chapter starting on page 53 in 2011: Trendspotting for the Next Decade.

And expect a quiz
Not a permalink.

And finally, the moment you’ve been waiting breathless-ly for, Word to the Wise, where we find a word that isn’t in the dictionary, and shoe-horn it into the lexicon forever.

Today’s word: SPLAM!

SPLAM is spam that makes you laugh. Generally, these are emails that are SO absurd that your instant response is that little chuckle. Examples include inane double entendre (hose jokes) in emails about penile implants.

“Dude, did you see that SPLAM about Britney’s hoo-hah? That was AWESOME!”

I’m Richard Laermer, and I am not SPLAMMING you.

BLART.

According to Clay (”Don’t Touch Me!”) Aiken, it is a big gay world out there. And that’s what the press wants you to believe. From my viewpoint, as a fuchsia card-carrying gay alpha male, every few years there’s a boondoggle in gay stories in America: the Supreme Court said OK to sodomy in Texas; Iowa in the heartland says OK to gay weddings; Richard Chamberlain (Richard! Chamberlain!) claims he’s a homo; while finally (my favorite) MTV said OK to the airing of a band (t.A.t.U.) that portrays itself as being “all lesbian, all the time.” The mega-ratings grabber Tia Tequila featured a bisexual lady of indiscriminate taste, but I’m not sure if she’s into sex as much as she is into showing off her inanity.

Yawn, digress. Is all this really the series of huge breakthroughs the media are suggesting? Because it sounds to me like just a lot of hype to sell a bunch of dying papers. Truth is, we’ve seen this all before. As I clamor for someone to just enact a single bold headline: “He’s Gay, So What?”

A generation and a half ago, Rock Hudson came out to the world on his deathbed because of complications from AIDS, smack-dab in the middle of Reagan America. At that point, a scant few years before the Supremes said no to sodomy in Georgia, the mass media talked a good game and asked Americans to be a lot more compassionate in their dealings with their gay brothers and sisters.

Then we waited for 24.5 years — past noise like “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” past Barry Winchell’s horrific death from homobashing Army boys, past that shady Defense of Marriage Act and doe-eyed Matthew Shepard, to, finally, a gay bishop happening upon the scene somewhere up north.

So the big news now is that it’s OK to be gay. Of course, it isn’t entirely OK. The media message of the moment notwithstanding, Bill Frist, once the Republican leader of the U.S. Senate, reacted to gay movement forward by grandstanding that he’d like an amendment to the constitution that gay marriage be disallowed. That is progress with a small “p.” Not gay with a capital “G.”

So how can we explain this dichotomy? Perhaps the public isn’t really so much more accepting and the culture isn’t really that much different — just as it wasn’t back in 1985, when Rock died. Perhaps the reality is that the media have grabbed onto this story line more because it’s a sellable one than because it’s the truth.

Let’s go back to Chamberlain, who has been an icon much longer than Aiken (and take Lohan, please…). Chamby’s story says a lot about why people were going “Senator Craig?” (who cares; just go away) last year. Chamberlain’s publicist insisted breathlessly that he should get a big “wow!” for his act of boldness. He should? For 40 years he played dull and, oh yeah, straight. Then he got exciting and on the cover of People magazine for telling the world that he’s gay. Really? And, oh yeah, he happened to have a book for sale.

Which I’m sure is just a coincidence. Much like Liz Smith, who also conveniently came out in what very briefly became a must-read memoir. But don’t get me started on Liz Smith.

One day after Richard’s big moment, I stood in a trendy Santa Monica video store and spotted the original Bourne Identity, which was remade last year with the straight (well, today!) Matt Damon. Chamberlain played Damon’s role in the first version, which no one remembers now, since Damon has turned this into his role. I had to laugh at the laboriously butch face Chamberlain was making on the box. He hasn’t had that kind of fame in years, and his new efforts — retired and notoriously gay — reek of a last-ditch effort to gain a buck off fame.

To make matters smellier, the old boy told Dateline at the time that he is “not a romantic leading man anymore and [no longer needs] to nurture that public image anymore.” Did anyone in the press ask about his implicit suggestion that his fans are total idiots? What Richard Chamberlain’s old-world PR people were pulling was very 1950s: let’s tell the world he’s gay to get some more attention. Right. Ask Rosie O’Donnell how far being queer’s gotten her, really. Certainly not the lead of Price Is Right or a punditry on MSNBC. Chamberlain is an actor who has been downgraded to his generation’s Larry Storch. You know, another TV actor who has had to pay the rent by appearing in, say, cheaply constructed bus and truck companies of My Fair Lady. Now that he’s gay — I guess this goes for Clay–maybe people will pay attention to him.

Again.

I’m the author of 2011: Trendspotting. Essays like this fill the damn thing.

Some things you see in the news make you go “Oh please.” Let’s get into it:

After years of Hangin’ Tough, watching the varying worlds of pop culture pass them by, the New Kids on the Block are gearing up for a comeback, returning to their old stomping grounds, which I suppose is… the Block. (Does J. Lo owe them a licensing fee?)

NKOTB deserves credit for appearing on Today Show to announce their reunion. I found myself thinking about the late 80s. I saw the huge crowd, screaming girls, even some crying fans, all I imagine hired by the NK’s desperate chieftains. But you got to hand it to them—they did it right.

Young Gen-Xers and old Yers are ready to re-embrace the Kids Who Have Been Around the Block Quite a Few Times (now KWHBATBQAFT). Road to retro has not been easy. They were has beens for more than a minute and had to endure embarrassing solo careers, some attempts at serious acting, and no doubt at least one abortive stab as a real estate agent. Which leads me to think we can blame the subprime mess for this too!

The actor of the group, ole Donnie Wahlberg has been on the rise since the group disbanded in ‘94. He toured with little bro Marky and that nutty Funky Bunch, and by 1996 he was already on the big screen. He really worked for it! “I didn’t have big movie offers, or any big agents wanting to work with me,” he said. “I had to go grassroots, start at the bottom and go on 150 auditions before someone finally gave me a shot.” From The Sixth Sense to NBC’s brilliant but cancelled Boomtown, to a lead in HBO’s Emmy-winning Band of Brothers, Donnie managed to stay employed and relevant. He even has two projects in post-production in 2008. He’s smart, he’s building momentum and putting himself out there.

Others not so much. Danny Wood, aka, the one everyone forgot about, blogged to his fans, “I want to start off by saying I am so thankful and feel blessed to have this opportunity again.” Followed by”I feel like I have won the lottery twice.” Well, dude, you totally have.

He totally went one step too far then. “We finally have the chance to give all you guys what you have always deserved.” Didn’t you guys do that when you broke up in 1994?

The Backstreet Boys are what-happened-tos, too, but they’re only about six years removed from their peak. The Spice Girls? Check cashed. Between the two they’ve logged three comebacks, but the nicest way to put it is that one fizzled while two failed. As 70s nights fade, 80s nights are ruling, while 90s nights are still too fresh in our memories. To that, NKOTB provide an interesting lesson in nostalgia. There is value in carefully resurrecting old brands with a retro-cool feel that can draw from the well of pop culture’s goodwill.

Take Boones Farm Wine. No longer such a joke, right? What used to be down-market even by Kwiki Mart standards has T-shirts selling with the moniker at Saks; a fan site populated with photos of hipsters hitting the retro sauce (at boonesfarm.net), and more than a few celebrity endorsements by way of the groovier-than-thou tabloids.

Marketers have used old logos, promos, and slogans to reestablish emotional connections between brands and consumers for a while now. The smart ones, however, know the limits of this particular tactic. These must be short-lived, meant to give a jolt to a brand, not take the place of a genuine branding/rebranding effort. With that, you will note how McDonald’s may dust off old commercials every so often—but you will never see them completely going backward.

And that, my friends, is why this is the end for the Kids—quicker than you can say “blow your mind.” A quick splash of nostalgia-fueled fun, a couple of kitchsy (and well-covered) concerts, maybe even a new single grafted to a rerelease of a greatest hits collection…but that, folks, is it. Six months from now, it’s time to dust off the real estate licenses and go back to work.

As Linda Richmond might mutter: New Kids on the Block! Not new! Not kids! Discuss!