Warm Your Ass

A list of timely tips on getting through winter from a guy who’s decided this season is unworthy, inhumane, and already too long.

1. Forget layers. Just pretend it is warm–fake it. Walk outside proudly and stupidly. Coats to Americans are like umbrellas to the British!

2. Get a really good flight deal and get out of there. You can even go to, ah, Virginia. Just use Weather.com and fly Southwest (which is now taking us cheaply away from several new airports).

3. The Oval Office thermostat is set to 72 degrees. All this talk about conservation is out the window.

4. P.S. Al Gore lives in California now.

5. Buy Flowers. I’m not sure why but having them everywhere makes even cold days warm. (Is this an ad for Teleflora? Is the check in mail? Costco should feed me because I spend a lot of money on insanely cheap flowers there and that’s a plug.)

6. Complain more. Yeah right. Use that energy, momma.

7. Go to (and bookmark/favorite) Hawaii Tourism Board sites. Get your fill of the sights and sounds via the soft glow of your LCD screen. This is good, because Maui is too damn far. (Do you know the isles are seven hours in the air from LA?)

Feel better?

8. Stay Fat. It is more than an excuse. I can sure believe it’s butter in the winter…

9. Buy some amazing cure-alls. I found at an airport a product dubbed

One Response to “Warm Your Ass”

  1. Sarah Says:

    As a Catholic I have to say that number 11 is my favorite. Great post!

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