Archive for February, 2009

Warm Your Ass

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

A list of timely tips on getting through winter from a guy who’s decided this season is unworthy, inhumane, and already too long.

BRRRR.
1. Forget layers. Just pretend it is warm–fake it. Walk outside proudly and stupidly. Coats to Americans are like umbrellas to the British!

2. Get a really good flight deal and get out of there. You can even go to, ah, Virginia. Just use Weather.com and fly Southwest (which is now taking us cheaply away from several new airports).

3. The Oval Office thermostat is set to 72 degrees. All this talk about conservation is out the window.

4. P.S. Al Gore lives in California now.

5. Buy Flowers. I’m not sure why but having them everywhere makes even cold days warm. (Is this an ad for Teleflora? Is the check in mail? Costco should feed me because I spend a lot of money on insanely cheap flowers there and that’s a plug.)

6. Complain more. Yeah right. Use that energy, momma.

7. Go to (and bookmark/favorite) Hawaii Tourism Board sites. Get your fill of the sights and sounds via the soft glow of your LCD screen. This is good, because Maui is too damn far. (Do you know the isles are seven hours in the air from LA?)

Feel better?

8. Stay Fat. It is more than an excuse. I can sure believe it’s butter in the winter…

9. Buy some amazing cure-alls. I found at an airport a product dubbed

AMERICA! (sigh) HOW COULD YOU?

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

Let’s come to grips with the fact that this country is going down. Straight out — no one is happy. Sure, we’re thrilled to see someone new leading us, it’s cool that some big box stores are reporting less-than-stellar results, and oh yeah Wall Street, don’t get me started, is in a hole it long deserved to be in.

But mostly, we’re mad at our country and countrymen for taking the easy way out during the so-called good years (circa 2002-06).

America!

You don’t need me to review, but who out there wasn’t at least a little surprised to hear about acquaintances getting mortgages way beyond their means, or friends spending money they didn’t even nearly have? Or, worse, companies that were getting away with “things” we knew in our hearts someone should stand up to! Finally, what was UP with the way the people let the Government be run amok by their friends: the money-chucking corporate hounds?

I think for a while now, it’s been hard for the citizenry to stand up to what’s wrong, mainly due to our SSLR drugs (Prozac, Xanax, et al) keeping us feeling good. How can you revolt if you’re dulled? But it’s got to be more than that — it’s time, in my never humble opinion, for us to become more vigilant regarding those we suspect and those (Hello, Barack) we have the faith in. Let’s not just sit around and feel like it’s all eventually going to be all right. There is a time (turn turn turn) to stand up for what we know in our churning gut is just smacking wrong!

Recently on twitter a tweep cracked wise how politicians should wear their “sponsors” on clothes like NASCAR drivers and while I laughed like you, it also seemed like a good way to start a new kind of thinking. No matter what political party you think you’re part of, you are definitely suspicious of IT today. There was Barbara Boxer, who is a good one, on MSNBC laughing and saying to Rachel that the tawdry way our stimulus pack was played out in Congress is “simply the way it works!” But then I see whole towns out of work with formerly fine families living in shelters and desperate for some help from DC.

The scene seemed like a placard for people in power playing with the patsies.

So it may be a good time for red-blooded Americans (we’re not being Dems nor GOPers here) to start doubting the motives of everyone- not cynically, but rather realistically - and seeing politics like usual as the killer of what this nation stood for.

Gee, let’s see. Does it seem as though a party voted away a “spending bill” as if to make a point? And was that point “it’s going to be bad no matter what and we want to be right?”

Gee, let’s see. Did celebrating righteousness while Rome, err, the U.S. is burning, have an awful taste to it?

Gee, let’s see. What contributors to which party leaders made sure that “Buy America” was in the package when in fact that is not necessarily the best way to get the infrastructure truly, finally fixed?

Final gee: Is politics as usual going to be the ruination of what we stand for?

I thought this nation did super well during crises. Now I see how the dastardly “meeting culture” (art of bringing everything to a committee in corporations and Government) has made it easy to paralyze even a major player like us.

We just elected a new super powerful dude with some measured yet electric ideas. This week we will see a central list of what will be done, as President Obama gives us information about the state of our union. Let’s listen carefully–let’s also judge a little. Okay, it is good, as P-Clinton said on Friday, “to think hopefully,” but we’d be better off with clenched fists reminding one another that we are already in hell in a hand basket. If those we elected to “high” office are not going to get us into anything better, we can get up and take things into our own hands.

I say use our vigilant typing fingers to find out who actually advises our politicians, whether it’s fine corporate friends, eager beaver lobbyists or overpaid influencers. Because, yes, our officials really can be the ones who bring us to a place like hell, depending on their actions right now.

Can’t we all agree on one aspect of scary times: blindly being led hasn’t worked for a while!

I’m Richard Laermer and my stuff is on twitter @laermer.

When You Speak, Audiences Teach You More

Monday, February 16th, 2009

Remember that “close talker” on Seinfeld? Well, me, I’m a “future talker,” the man who shows people how to see clearly into the not-so-distant future!

Close talker.

I do a lot of talking — publicly, privately and to myself. Normally, I give speeches about “Punk Marketing” and how to make yourself better at selling. But with the advent of my popular book that I

It Happened One Month

Sunday, February 15th, 2009

Today we have all kinds of interesting things for your enjoyment. First up: three ways to improve corporate America.

  1. Stop with the private jets, already. In the depths of this recession, no one has any money. People can

Kick in the Balls

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

A recession of this depth isn’t just a slap in the face of a company’s financial well-being. If the last two recessions were punches to the upper arm, this one is a swift kick in the balls. This is something that takes you down and keeps you there for quite a while. And it probably makes you cry uncontrollably.

Slapped in the face.

With that, we are now seeing so-called luxury brands cowering in the corner, trying to avoid their inevitable fate. Good ole Starbucks

Hasn’t February Been Fun?

Monday, February 9th, 2009

It’s been pretty cold in this country, and we don’t even have George W. Bush around to blame for it, either.

The Super Bowl did a good job of brightening at least one depressing, frigid, winter Sunday. The game has been over for more than a week, but the ads are still fun to talk about.

Super Bowl stalwart Anheuser-Busch had already told or warned us its ads would be less funny in favor of something featuring Clydesdale horses in honor of its neo-American offering–namely Budweiser.

MMM... beer.

So a beer-pony is playing fetch with another. Anheuser’s ad guys told the Wall Street Journal the horses’ image “reinforces our brand values and…that we are not changing, and we are the same company.”

Gee how romantic. I have no idea how you can be both, but then again nothing says “Beer me again, Budweiser,” like watching a behemoth-horse play fetch.

I get that your beer is an icon and all, but once upon a time Schaefer was “the one beer to have” and it’s not having too much fun now. So my pro advice - I do run a PR firm, kids–for this newly Eurofied Anheuser is simple: Announce your beer will taste better. You’ll get more attention. These days a little honesty goes a long way; at least on this blog.

With that, I bring you The Bleak Economic Report: Surprisingly un-spared by effects of the recession is, tada!, The Porn Industry. It appears the only thing that has hurt PORN is the sexually transmitted disease that most Americans suffer from, better known as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

DOES NOT COMPUTE

Recently adult entertainment moguls… er… porn guys Larry Flynt of “Hustler” fame and young prot

Something To Write Home About: an essay that merits no subtitle

Sunday, February 8th, 2009

dumbcluck.jpg

It

It

Thursday, February 5th, 2009

This in from Bea, a wonderful AE in my office (you did know I

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