Chattering classes have come close to consensus: Barack Obama better get used to hearing the Marine Band play “Hail to the Chief” as he goes about his day (how cool?). The man is as good as inaugurated. Polls have him ahead in ways that make us all go. Every historical analysis gives him the edge. Does anyone even remember the guy he’s running against?

Now comes the truth.

Things change, things change, things change. Polls change, moods change, inertia will likely change, and next thing you know the story — and chattering classes reporting or analyzing — will be amended beyond belief. Headlines You Can Expect: “Holy Lazarus! McCain Rises Again!”, “McCain: Pol with Nine Lives”, “Obama’d Out”, or “Obama? Oh Brother!” Which will no doubt be followed by a round of stories saying the exact opposite soon after, I promise.

If the Dem primaries taught us one thing, it’s that elections are cyclical. You remember, you were there… we all were. Oy were we. And statistics and polls prove that many of us were flip-flopping (a term sadly referring to one of John Kerry’s biggest downfalls in the 2004 election) our way through the Dem-on-Dem crime. We were Hill-raisers, we were Barockin’ the vote, and don’t forget we were flighty.

Media angles and strategic PR fuel our indecision. In 2004 Team Bush slammed John Kerry for chucking his medals of honor from his army days. Bush went AWOL, Kerry misplaced a few pieces of silver. In end Bush PR squad won the battle. They put the story first and spun it so meticulously it made enough people question Kerry’s patriotism (whatever).

It’s starting all over! Are you ready, troops? The media already came down on Obama over his refusal to don an American pride pin. Obama explained that the pin “became a substitute for true patriotism” and that he is “going to try to tell the American people what I believe will make this country great, and hopefully that will be a testimony to my patriotism.” Media translation: Obama hates America.

Oh, and John McCain, the poor geezer, is the easiest target… heart attack factor runs through his veins. Everyone’s zinging away with the old man-senior citizen punch line. Come on you know it’s hurtful! There are sites out there dedicated to predicting his heart attack. Can you say “Eeek”?

These are non-issue distractions that work, though. (I work in PR and I love distractions.) Examples are endless and the consequences disastrous. Let’s not forget Al Gore passionately tipping Tipper for a smooch to prove he’s not square. I’m still uncomfortable when I see her.

In the months to come, Desperate Housewives will not supply the same level of drama as CNN. Remember, this is our process… You asked for it. You earned it. You will live through it. Look the other way or sit back and enjoy.

Don’t forget to vote, man! [rockthevote.org]

Blogs have become cultural beacons, sculpting public opinion and the whole of the landscape. I have come to love the blogosphere. What’s not to love? Quick, easy, hilarious rants on current events, news, celebrity, anything and everything. It makes me laugh. It makes us all laugh. I’m a big fan, yet it drives me nuts when people put a greater emphasis on being funny rather than thoughtful. And the funnies are getting all of the credit.

Take Perez Hilton, self proclaimed Queen of all Media: his blog has made him rich and famous. There’s even a TV version of his “work” on VH1. He is a well-regarded, highly-quoted source regularly featured in other media. Why? Because he concocts funny word mashups and indiscriminately draws cocaine debris under the nostrils of celebrities, celebutants and celebutards? I laugh. But is it intelligent or thoughtful?

Not a whiff of either.

His counterparts are no exception. D-Listed, Pink is the New Blog, What Would Tyler Durden Do? –examples of cheap and hysterical hilarity, a lot of vulgarities and bathroom humor about stars and starlets…the writers are very funny, but do they have the chops to become real comedic writers with a day-to-day gig? Most of the humor is easy to come by (raunchy sex jokes that occur to the average 12-year-old boy); these bloggers are brave enough to boldly voice their inner tween. Where the rest of us would blush at the thought of quipping like that with even our closest and dearest, they in fact take the, yep you guessed it, plunger.

The newsiest is The Huffington Post, a digital version of Jon Stewart’s Daily Show. The content is there, the points are on and the contributing writers are some of the biggest uh names in the game (is it bad to shamefully plug myself in my own blog?), but it is not meant to serve as primary news source but more a way to buttress your information on an hourly basis. It says so up there in the fine print.

Wonkette.com, a famous offering about D.C. gossip, honestly describes itself as a, “blend of gossip, satire and things the author makes up.” Similarly, its parent, Gawker, is known for the same in a New York market. The problem is, people look to these sites as honest news sources instead of ha-ha jabs at anything plus everything.

And everyone is guilty these days. We’re all adapting blog speak (see Diablo Cody please) and abbreviated language that was once reserved for quickly jotting down messages via IM has made its way into the daily vernacular.

Remember Cingular’s enormously popular ad? The mom reprimands the daughter for texting too much. The daughter responds in text / IM code. It was only funny because we all got it. OMG people, WTF is going on?

Being tuned in does not make any of us educated while simple-minded and raunchy cynicism doe not make you a comedian and maintaining a blog does not make you a writer… In the end we are reading bloggers.

Oh yeah, and the most important point of today’s rant is this: Abbreviating words doesn’t make you original, just kind of annoying, except when it comes to me, obv. Duh.

Madonna seems to have a case of Girls Gone Wild-itis. Five years after swapping spit with Britney and X-tina, The Material Mom has proven again there’s an insecure college freshman in all of us….. Doing her seemingly bored jaunt hyping her new collection of quickly-thrown-together dance tunes, Madonna indulged in an onstage girl-on-girl kiss while performing in Paris. Turns out all the money and success in the world can’t buy better judgment – no judgment, of course.

Once upon a time this was totally Madonna’s thing. Her image was sex and it worked. That’s it. From her cone-shaped bras to those onstage simulated sex antics, Madonna was not only controversial, but captivating too. We couldn’t look away.

That was then. One marriage and three children later have changed things. Earth to Madonna, this stuff no longer shocks or amuses us. It’s confusing. Not the good kind of confusing. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but things have changed.

Her last book was a children’s book, not a sex book (there is a G-d), and she has replaced the likes of Sandra Bernhard with Lourdes, Rocco and the one she stole from Africa (how on earth did Access Hollywood manage to get that guy to talk?).

Madonna is married to Guy Ritchie. Last time I checked, publicly kissing another person is cheating. Male, female, on or offstage – remember this, Madge, a kiss is still a kiss.

How does Mr. Madonna feel watching his wife declare to her audience, “I’m always drawn to working with French people - and frenching French people. Vive la France!” Her awkward declaration led to a make out with her not-so-French back up dancer. Hmmm. Yeah. As if the guy doesn’t feel emasculated enough.

Point is, Madonna should be passed this by now. Yes, sexuality has always been a part of her image. She’s done enough of everything to forever cement that not only in our minds, but also in history. We get it.

What we love(d) about Madonna is her ever evolving, reinventing self – please, let’s have the sex stuff follow that. It’s icky.

Even if we weren’t so weirded out by her behavior, without having to go into this more—it’s simply old. This too needs to evolve. We’re not captivated, we’re bored. There’s no greater sin than boredom, M.

Instead of approaching the Big 50 like a 19-year-old desperately seeking attention, welcome it as an icon. Think of what Roseanne said at the TV Land Awards: “This is awesome! In old age you are congratulated, no longer that obnoxious bitch.”

Our long in the tooth President, George Dubya Bush, recently said “So long as I’m the President, my measure of success is victory — and success.” While the statement clearly does not make any sense, it sure explains a lot. If success is measured in success, and he’s the one measuring it, I’m just lost. We are all lost. And according to former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, that’s really the point.

The entire Bush Admin is going gaga over McClellan’s 341-page collection of anecdotes making money off Bush and Friends’ love of spin. This timely (okay maybe a bit late) memoir accuses Bush and the cronies of going easy on the truth and hiding behind propaganda. Who can blame them? The truth, she ain’t so pretty.

McClellan believes we were lied to and claims that he once fell for the propaganda rather than face the issues they pulled out their PR guns. He thinks “[Bush] and his advisers confused the propaganda campaign with the high level of candor and honesty so fundamentally needed to build and then sustain public support during a time of war.” Instead of carefully determining whether or not a war was necessary, they thought of ways to spin it to the American people. (BTW – how’s that working for you guys?)

McClellan blames the permanent campaign culture – terrific new buzz term – for the spin and untruthyness. I am constantly stressing the fundamental need for corporations and brands to employ smart PR. However, smart PR is not lying, it’s communicating. Welcome to an outstanding example of the tactic, let’s not use PR to communicate! Let’s use it to obfuscate!

Dubya is proud of the campaign culture. He recently explained “that in 2000 I said, ‘Vote for me. I’m an agent of change.’ In 2004, I said, ‘I’m not interested in change –I want to continue as president.’ Every candidate has got to say ‘change.’ That’s what the American people expect.”

With that we expected the truth – maybe even a message with a little bit of honesty. But no.

The former First PR Guy claims he was lied to by the Administration that is known for deceit. After being assured from top to bottom that Karl Rove and BFF Scooter were not involved in leaking agent Valerie Plame’s name, McClellan spoke to the press to defend them Of course we all found out that they did leak the name and someone forgot: “The first rule about Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club.” Mr. McClellan was made a liar.

When Scott McClellan went to the White House Press Corps with that statement of “fact,” he was unknowingly fibbing. Some may not get why a PR pro would be so upset but it’s really simple: that lie cost him media street cred. At the end of the day, which is about 7 p.m., the only thing PR peeps have is their credibility. Yes we spin some (sometimes even at the gym) but the core of the message should always be true. When you lose it you’re out.

The White House is angry he wrote this book and much of the public (and the press) seem pissed it took him so long, but a lot of us know how slow the publishing world is. Personally, I think it’s a step in the right direction. As GW himself once said, a bit too cheerily, “All of us in America want there to be fairness when it comes to justice.” Who doesn’t, really?

Really. Who doesn’t?

Like, gee. Emily Gould’s much-maligned cover story in this week’s Times Sunday Magazine may not win the Gray Lady awards but it did garner what any self-respecting newspaper wants in the age of severely diverted eyeballs. Attention. Lots of attention. The article became a sensation and it—

Wait! What do you mean? No, trust me, it WAS a big deal. Hold on, I’ll prove it. Let’s just click over to the Times site..and ….

See, look. Most e-mailed stories of the past week. And that “Exposed” piece is right —-gee. No, it’s here somewhere. Has to be. Where is it?

Well holy smokes. Huh. I guess Times readers really didn’t think Emily Gould was such an important person. Instead they bit on the typical lineup of politics, faux trends, and self-help that pretends it isn’t. That’s what they e-mailed to their unenlightened, Post-reading family, at least.

But, wait, there’s “Exposed” – gosh, yay! I found it! Heading the week’s list of “Most Blogged” articles! See: it is relevant! Told you. A blogger’s bloggy confessional about blogging and its bloggy complications turned out to be catnip for other bloggers who like blogging about blogs! Let’s see here, who blogged about this bloggy article . . . why, Romenesko! And MediaBistro! Jezebel and Jossip! And the granddaddy of ‘em all: Gawker! Which used to employ Gould! Just like MediaBistro does now! And so on. And so forth.

Let me take a look at that Gawker post . . . that’s–eleven thousand views! Wow, like, um, not very many. A lot for Gawker, I am sure. But compare that number to the number who read, for instance, whatever watered-down nonsense was on the cover of the Parade Sunday insert this week.

Hint: it’s not even close. Like, at all.

So what does that say, kids? Maybe that the same few thousand people who read the same incestuous pack of media blogs were inordinately interested in La Gould, even while deriding her piece, and, more tellingly, even as most of The New York Times readership shrugged and went on with the crossword. And these are Times readers! The elite of elites, who love nothing more than to gaze at New York-y media-y fluff with hearts a-flutter. And they kinda didn’t care. Even with “come hither” cover photography and the author’s appetite-whetting persona: equal parts narcissist and train wreck.

The blogosphere is vibrant and vital, despite what the many detractors say out loud. That said, when it is its own subject one notices just how insular a community it is. Emily Gould is a very big name to only very few. And those people debated her article back and forth. And knew about it days before the Times published. And felt impugned and delighted and irritated and important because it was about them as much as it was about Emily. And then . . . what? It exploded like a neutron bomb in its little corner of our culture and, thanks to the electronic version going up early, was yesterday’s news three days before yesterday.

(Literally.)

This was the year “Gossip Girl” caught fire in New York and among its chattering bloggy/media classes. To read about the show in this sleep-filled city is to think you’ve witnessed the birth of a kind of phenomenon. Except that the two thousand people whispering breathlessly about each episode on blogs are also the only two thousand people watching it on their hi-defs. The show gets absolutely no ratings (it’s “OMFG, not that great,” said EW this week). And yep, no one in Topeka gives a dink. This isn’t “Seinfeld” or “Sex City” or some other quote unquote New York show that appeals to our coastal vanity while generating a huge audience. It’s not even “Mad Men,” for Chrissakes. It’s big-B Buzz doing little-b business. The lesson (this is a blog, so a lesson is forthcoming) is not so different from the Sunday magazine’s. Self absorption, no matter the medium, is only as magnetic as self.

I feel like I have not quite made my point. Wait…for…it…

Damn it, Emily! You loser.

[Check out “2011” now on Amazon via www.yeahwhatever.com. Like for sure…]

The skyscraper is the original Hummer. When a major corporation (or Donald T) wants to prove importance and wealth it takes to the skyline to “peacock” its greatness by erecting a giant building.

During a trip to Estonia—which has light all the time, incidentally—I got to see up close what was considered the biggest building in the world in the year 1530. By today’s standards it doesn’t even measure up to your college dorm room –a not that impressive hall at age 18.

Point is, as the world expands so does its aesthetic. An old building from 16th C. is almost like a Mercury Sable from the 1980s –seemed cutting edge at the time, sank faster than the year’s TV ratings. (I’m convinced that in 2500, people will write essays like this about the Empire State Building, only they’ll do it through mental code.)

As new trends grace the cultural zeitgeist they are inevitably going to change the look of the world. Thanks to the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio and Larry David’s ex-, it is considered cooler to appear environmentally aware and favor a Prius over a Hummer. (I guess you could say Larry helped to “curb” our perception.) It’s not about being flashy because now it’s about being thoughtful.

And it seems the green trend is seeping into architecture as well. Perhaps the building with the slick architecture and big ol’ green stamp will soon trump (pun here) the skyscraper.

Green hasn’t only become the new black, it is in fact the new EVERYTHING. …And why not? Just like the Hummer, Skyscrapers have negative effects on the environment by altering the surrounding atmosphere they occupy. The aforementioned EmpStaBuil (its abbrev in the White Pages) will always be a beacon of pride for New York, but it will represent trends of what was, not what is.

What was once grand is now antiquated. The building in Estonia – a prideful church, then a Russian holdover, now a historic church–was thought cutting edge and so were the idea of skyscrapers. The former will always have a huge place in the evolution of architecture, efficient for the times as a space that allowed more people to climb inside. However, compared to the green building of today every old skyscraper is a real Hummer.

In 2005, state of Washington took the national lead by enacting exciting green building legislation. As time goes on more and more states and cities follow suit. This is far from a national trend that we invented: whole countries take environmental responsibility via architecture by building green.

Environmentally-conscious buildings save energy and water and better utilize all our resources—not to mention some of those designs are crazy sleek and modern. I guess the creators behind the Jetsons cartoon had it right when they drew a world that is colorful, full of zest, quicker, cleaner and—boy oh boy—shall we say conscientious…

So in the end, cartoonists are our politically correct visionaries!

As the CEO of a PR agency, I can’t even tell you how many potential clients ask “Do I really need PR?” Usually I just answer with a simple and slightly aggravated “Why Yes!” Today, however, I will answer with an example of what a smart, finely crafted and well-timed PR campaign (with strategy) can do.

The past few months we have seen historically vilified Microsoft attempt to take the current underdog, Yahoo, over with a slow hand. During the war Microsoft was seen as a Goliath, a heartless corporation out to bully Yahoo, a company determined to stand on its own.

Here’s the thing, PR frames reality. When the deal fell apart, Microsoft was smart and engaged the press early. Their PR team reached out and massaged reporters, putting the blame squarely on Yahoo.

The press painted a picture that made Microsoft seem reasonable and open to negotiations. Microsoft’s flexibility was met by an unwillingness on the part of Yahoo to negotiate or cooperate. The reason the deal fell apart had nothing to do with the suddenly valiant Microsoft; it fell apart because Yahoo was unreasonable.

While talking to the press Microsoft might have mentioned –naturally, off the record –that when you’re dealing with the takeover of a publicly traded company there are certain rules that each company must follow.

PR is more than spin. In case I forgot to mention this (wink plus wink), when done right, PR frames reality. The reality here is that the Yahoo board put the best interest of their shareholders aside.

And there are some real legal implications here. Right or wrong, the perception exists that the Yahoo board failed in their responsibility to their shareholders. When shareholders lose faith, stock price goes down. When stock price goes down, Yahoo will not be able to stand against Google. When that happens…well…there won’t be anyone left to go Yahoo! (one place where Yahoo!’s exclamation point works!)

People still may not like Microsoft (here’s a clip of Bill Gates taking a bullet to the dome in the South Park movie), but MS has framed reality to their benefit with some smart PR. Unlike Yahoo, Microsoft was out there–immediately. Yahoo’s CEO did not make statements or address the press until days after Microsoft’s well-timed and brilliant PR-strophe hit. By the time Yahoo hit the streets, people weren’t buying their story – the minds of the public were already made up.

Yes, Yahoo stressed their willingness to negotiate. They also said they were fulfilling their obligations to their shareholders. But alas, it was too late. The reality was already framed and the story already set.

Yahoo’s delay invited enormous share holder Carl Icahn in there panting and aiming to launch a proxy fight to remove the current Yahoo board. His argument? Same as Microsoft’s. There’s a good shot Yahoo will win over Icahn, but the battle to keep him away will cost Yahoo time and money, and time and money, and maybe even a little more time and money.

So you have to ask yourself, even if Yahoo did spurn Microsoft, had they controlled the story would Icahn have this window of opportunity? I don’t THINK so. All he is doing is taking advantage of the perception that Yahoo’s board is irresponsible – the perception Microsoft’s very own PR team put out there.

Lesson is, you need PR and you better be deft. The effect PR has goes way beyond people liking you, your product or your company. Always be the first person/company/whatever talking to the press. If it’s not you it’s your competition. Beat them to the punch; put your brand, your spin and your ideas out there.

And be smart about too, will ya?

It has been a never ending winter here in New York. My winter blues have been longing for the chance to spend a single day outside, lounge in the park, lunch outdoors, check out street fair or two…or so I thought.

I woke up Saturday thrilled with how beautiful it was out there. On my way to the door, I couldn’t help but pause to check my Facebook. What if somebody had written on my wall? Or what if there was some new event I had to add to my online schedule? I reasoned it would be irresponsible not to check.

Whew. One Big Mistake…it sucked me in fast and frenzyish.

Checking the FB turned into a cascading whirlwind of distraction – a real trip into the ole rabbit hole. That quick glimpse, the one that wasn’t meant to cause more than a 5-minute delay tops, consumed my day. I didn’t mean for it to happen!

While checking my Funwall, I got distracted by a Juno plug advertised right there on Facebook. I needed to buy the movie that instant. “Honest to blog” (great Junoism), there wasn’t a singular moment to spare. To add that extra bit of incentive, the good folks at iTunes threw in the soundtrack to FOR GOSH DARN FREE. Service with a smile is overrated. I’ll take service with a click any day!

I promised myself I wouldn’t actually watch the movie. I also told myself I was going to go to the store instead of ordering from Fresh Direct. I lied to myself.

Once I started my viewing pleasure, I accepted couch potato status for the day. Then it happened-outside guilt: A friend called insisting we go to the Farmer’s Market or the park. I felt bad turning the offer down. I had a very real case of bad relaxation!

Apparently, this is the state of the world. The blog Stuff White People Like” depicts a similar scenario. One friend says, “Hey, lets go for a hike in the park,” so the other guy says, “Thanks but I’ve been working all week and I’m really excited about watching this game,” and then the first guy responds with, “Don’t be a lump on the couch, you’re wasting your life away,” etc. Supposedly, “If you ignore them, they eventually go away.” Or so we can only hope.

During the sofa stupor I started messaging with an old friend who now spends his days teaching and traveling some outside world. He was on the side of a mountain in Dubai and he was on AIM! Yes, AIM. Which begs the question, is there even such a thing as the outdoors anymore? Does it exist?

Shed the shame, people, remember we’re celebrating Outdoors 2.0. Everyone wants to stay home–it’s national agoraphobia! When people are outside, they are on their Crackberry, phone or connected anyway—glancing at something. Exhale now.

My name is Richard and I’m a WiFi guy. I admit it extends further than my MetroCard. There I said it! First step to solving, right?

Facebook. It’s a verb, it’s an adjective, it’s a voyeuristic bonafied stalking tool. I can’t get enough of it nowadays.

When I cannot fall sleep, instead of counting sheep or watching latenight reruns of poker shows, I travel to Facebookland. I visit profiles of friends, then friends of friends, then friends of friends of friends and so on. I look through photo albums and compare movie taste. Don’t judge, you do it too – admit you love it.

Yet while we revile in Facebook’s awesomeosity we must pause to note Emily Post never penned a screed on such netiquette. There are dos and don’ts and today we review them.

Friend Requests:

I have at least 14 pending friend requests. Testament to my aloof coolness? Well, duh. But a testament to other people spazzing out when they join. Listen, buddy, just because you’re friends with one of my friends doesn’t mean I want you posting on my wall.

Got it?

FB is a powerful networking tool and we cannot abuse it. And if anything, trying to network by creeping people out – yes, it’s a little creepy to get a friend request from someone you vaguely recall possibly meeting once in a meeting you forgot about long ago –is counter productive. So don’t do it.

Newsfeed:

Two keywords: privacy setting. Learn it, manage it, love it. Really, you’re not a fan of Grey’s Anatomy anymore? Suddenly over the reality craze? No longer a member of the Lactose Intolerant League? Great. But every time you add or subtract a group, preference, etc. your friends see it on their newsfeed. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes that’s bad, but you better be the one making that decision.

“Think That’s Scary?” Check out this unbelievably real mini-doc about Facebook that explains what is truly going on while you type away… Yikes, right?

Relationship Status:

A friend of mine just separated from her husband. Understandably freaked out! Not so understandably, she RAN to Facebook and changed her status from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.” Did everyone need to know that right away? Was that good for her or her husband—with whom she obviously hasn’t worked it out? As her shocked brother-in-law wrote to me, “WTF?!!” Translate that to “Please be prudent and sensitive in the future.”

Newbies & Pros:

The pros are FB guinea piglets and I love them so. They went to High School and college when FB was first coming up. It’s as much a part of their lives as cable is for me. By now we’ve all heard the story about the job applicant who got turned down because of a randy pic from a frat kegger. You know why we’ve all heard it? It’s not apocryphal. People please, check yourself before you wreck yourself! What makes sense at 19 is wrong at 23 when you’re at your first job, friending everyone in your office, and have a humorless boss wondering why his newest hire was tagged in a photo last weekend making out with a dude in a monkey suit (or worse, a monkey sadly placed in a dude suit).

While the plight of the pros is well known, the saga of that amateur is hardly documented. These are the 30+ year olds who joined to stay relevant, to network professionally, or because they read about it in Parade. I’m not naming names (take that, Kazan!), but I heard about an entertainment bigwig who signed up to connect with his “perceived audience.” This media maven, who barely knows Web 2.0 from “Charlotte’s Web,” actually posted his home address and phone number in his profile. Facebook asked, so he answered… makes sense?

[Note: If you answered yes, please don’t join FB without first consulting with a non-snarky niece or nephew or read “Facebook for Dummies,” a very real and useful title.]

Meaning of the above: For two dramatically different reasons, both the pros and the amateurs are ignoring some common sense rules here.

Let’s sum up so you can click off and get back to you social networking mania: 1) get to know how the darn thing works, 2) learn your netiquette, 3) know all audiences, 4) think about yourself, and please, when in doubt, just repeat the mantra less is more 5) err on the side of privacy and ponder the future of whatever* is unerasable (everything*).

If you must, absolutely MUST join Facebook (really, we need to get our Scrabulous on) be your ingenious self and take your time, and if you aren’t able to figure it out, take your intern to lunch and make him do it for you!

I’d like to hear your experiences. Write on dude.

In “Exit Ghost,” Philip Roth’s alter ego Nathan Zuckerman informs a young writer: “No one reads anyone when you think about it.” It’s a good line but not true. Steve Jobs was a fool to emote how people have no patience for books. I get 100 letters a month from people taking something from what I write. People would read even more if publishers were even a tiny bit more forward-thinking.

In my book “Punk Marketing” one particular thought appears incessantly: don’t do what you’re doing because it’s the way it’s been done forever. Publishing industry needs that advice in an overt way.

Here’s my story:

I’m a writer - outside of my work running RLM PR, the aptly-named 19 year old public relations firm that I’m damn proud of. Anyway, in the new one titled “2011” there are 77 funny and non-methodical chapters where I pour my heart out about our own outlandish future. To witness the future is to rethink the past and learn something from it. That’s what I’m doing.

I am seriously down on the publishing world (even though I do like McGraw-Hill, I’m still down on it). It’s starting to make little sense why I would write something that while widely read could be given out in a “cleverer” format. Doing a book with a major corporation just starts to seem…odd, given the proclivities in which I do everything else now. With that far-reaching statement, and by means of explaining my thought process, here is why publishing, as the kids say, needs to man up and change itself quickly. Here are some questions I hope will make you go, “I see.”

1. Who’s in charge here? How can a 22-year-old editor bid on a book? What does a post-graduate $32,000-a-year fresh-out know what will hit with the public? Why does this frequently appear to be a case of the nuthouse leaving the inmates to decide! People in publishing (except those that are up top and doing well) are not really supervised, but there are tons a folks who say, “I have to make sure they are in charge of these decisions.” Adorable when they were six and playing with the Easy Bake Oven.

2. How do you expect people to pay 25 dollars for a book!? It’s ridiculous. Economics of publishing need to be studied. And no, “Do paperbacks” is not the answer because Amazon doesn’t feature them. I watch publishers skimp on what’s important—like Web destinations for books —and outsource a lot to India and cheap-labor countries. This is all in the name of corporate salvation. I guess.

3. The editing is done exactly how far in advance? If I write a book that is to come out in say December of 08– they have to have it in February. Why? ‘Cause they have a “schedule to follow,” but it would seem with digital technology you should be able to write right up to the deadline (like we do online).

4. Marketing is something that happens when? You probably know this but publishers basically print and cross their fingers–unless your name is Grisham, King, or Winfrey. But to market them is the REAL waste of money… their fans will find their books like a stampede. It’s obvious that publishers publish way too many books, and have no faith in anything. They just hope something will stick. It’s all teflon!

5. You give nothing away? Every now and then a maker of books announces “Here’s a chapter” gratis, or introduces a limited time free download for online consumption … The limited part is what makes people go “how old-fashioned.” GIVE IT AWAY NOW. (And if I were allowed, you’d get free chapters all the time, but alas I’m not!) My advice is to force those boatloads of readers who may not even know they are readers to think, “That’s something I got to get.” Witness the music business’s sudden realization that yeah they can’t hold onto content anymore. Labels will try anything to get folks hooked on an artist they’re trying to break, but except for some random (House) gimmicks like announcing to the media that last week something was available for free and lookie lookie, we tried something “cool,” book people are afraid to let anything digitized get out there and fight the concept tooth plus nail.

6. Bookstore chains are difficult corporations? Let’s be real. Borders, Amazon, Barnes & Noble are just as scared about the economy as publishers are. So I say work with the little stores just as hard as you used to with the biggies. Every little venue needs handholding and we authors will help get the word out, but everyone in pub is so afraid to say anything that might be construed as “insulting.” At Harper-Collins I wanted to offer free marketing advice to stores who bought, “Punk Marketing.” And as a marketer I’m pretty damn expensive. Some consultant there said, “We can’t do that—someone will think it’s demeaning.” What? Grow up. No one cares about being insulted—they care about getting something for free. See 5.

7. Why is everyone so afraid to make waves? Isn’t that the only way to rise above the noise! Retail seems to be dying—and yet the stores scare publishers in ways that shake my head involuntarily. I’ve done books with most of the big publishers, and no one ever said to Barnes & Noble: “We want placement, what’s it going to take to get it? This book is important!” I know that BN is LOOKING for ballishness. They want publishers to get behind authors. Especially those who can promote themselves with some help. Honestly, those big corporate publishing behemoths have power, but don’t use it. Gosh. As my 9th grade teacher once told me: “Prove you are the one who can take the ball and run with it.” Publishers need to take live ones - authors with big mouths - and make them stand out as new discoveries BEFORE they are already discovered.

8. You won’t publish me even if I’m the next Tolstoy unless I have a platform of my own? Yeah I get it. I’m all about the podcasts, the blogs, the articles, the mini-tours, the loud hawking, what is dubbed “relentless” push for my product…. In 2002 I got myself booked with the then-adorable Katie Couric on Today Show for “trendSpotting” and I told the people at Penguin-Putnam who thought I was kidding (”Well, let’s see”) —and when I was scheduled they didn’t bother to alert sales force, stores, or anyone. So 20 million watched me cavorting with that perky thing, and a dozen books were in stores. Publishers don’t know how to sell, that’s the fact. They wait. Very Darwinian. If something takes off THEN they start pumping out the marketing.

9. What about the number of books? Publishers will have to “break” artists like the music biz does and don’t just publish whatever sounds good … Save your money and invest in a few key artists. A final thought here: Since so many people (not me, I say with my arms folded) write books so they can buy thousands to give to prospects or customers, let’s not allow them into mainstream channels any longer. You guys stick with the professional writers.

10. The agents are working for exactly whom? Lit agents I’ve met, with few exceptions, though none I can think of as I type, are beyond frightened of pissing off the editors, so they won’t fight like Hollywood agents will for the clients. They say things like, “Well yes, it’s cheap money, kiddo, but think of it as an annuity.” Or, “I wish I could do more but they’ll never budge” or this one (breathe deeply, Richard): “You’re lucky to get it.” The lawyer I use in La La Land would teach those foohs mottos like: “We’ll cut them off at the knees—since gees they act like they deserve less of one.”

11. What’s with all the titles? Who’s the editor, who’s the president, who’s the publisher, who’s the director …? And who’s the marketing director of strategic planning? The world’ most successful businesses don’t sit around having meetings all day - Google? - and golly, turf wars are so 90’s! Publishing geeks seem so afraid to step on one another’s toes. “Let’s have a meeting to see how X feels about it.” Garrrrrh! All that endless chitchats around oak tables. I say let’s fan out, make trouble, be disruptive, start our own religion … anything,. Plan less — do more. Rise up. Be aggressive. As Fred Trump once said, “No one gets any work done in the office.”

12. Small publishers? Nah, don’t think so. I found they were just as cheap-headed as their older brother, and only provided support when the author paid his own way. Seems like the small publisher is a misnomer–like indie film. Neither exists except as marketing gimmick. In the long run, small comes knocking with finger-in-air offers like the Midwest publisher who nervily said “Here’s five grand” advance for a book about the porn industry’s history of influencing business decisions thru history… (Where’s Judith Regan when I need her!!!)

13. Finally, and for the good of the readers, shouldn’t everything be made available online? We’re inundated with material to read online and that takes our attention. Having a book in hand – even on the excellent Kindle, which is really fun—isn’t the most efficient way to digest someone’s work. Like when I read a book offline and want to share a passage with a friend, I have to type it out, yeah! That’s almost as frustrating as not being able to send my DVR moments to pals who absolutely need to see that sucky ad I witnessed.
Whatever comes of publishing—chapters online via micropayments, baby—I can look backwards and remember with glee when my first representation, “Native’s Guide to New York.” came out 19 years ago and that arrogant publisher sat me down and said to his staff of onlookers: “Let’s hire a PR person and get this crazed nonstop talker into as many outlets as we can get him to do before he’s worn-out!”

Those were the days, my friend, hoped they’d never end. They did. I want them back.

[Stay around Laermer.com for the second part of this 3-part essay titled, “Whither Product?”]